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The first time I thought of moving out of Illinois, I guess I never thought I would lose you, most of you.
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[[Continue]]
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I started packing everything I ever owned; my clothes, books, things that held memory. My mother cries in the bedroom I once slept in. I tell her,
[[“I’m sorry.”]]
[[“I love you.”]]<style>
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“Tell you what love,” my mother says with the tears turning her face red, “this obviously…” (more tears), “...fucking hurts. I know you have this new fucking job in New fucking York…”
[[“If I had other choices, I wish I could take you with me…”]] <style>
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“Do you really need to go?"
[[ "It's the only thing I can do now,” I say, breaking her heart more]]
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[[Go Ahead]] <style>
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[[Go Ahead]] <style>
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" i'm proud of you. " she says, all red from crying. " i really am, it's hard to stay here without you giving me that awkward fucking embrace at least once a day"
[[Go]]<style>
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I paused for a minute. My baggage is still and my mom gives that embrace she says I give. I'm still for a moment.
[[Let that embrace sit for a bit]]<style>
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I remember everything. It starts with how my dad left the Chicago household when I was three. I was the only man in the house (or in her fucking lifetime) that she can rely on. Since high school, every guy fucking her over and leaving her. I am her only constant, I had to be a good son out of empathy, knowing her history. You're leaving her now, for this job in New York. Who's going to be for her now? I remember, the internet exists.
[[“Mom, we can Facetime still right? Your face looks better on my phone tbh”]]<style>
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My mother starts to laugh. Her face isn't red anymore, "Your fucking right about that. " We share that same laugh.
[[Keep Laughing]]<style>
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"I'm going to miss you... so much. " she says. I think we're going to part ways from here. "I'm going to miss you're cooking. " I say. We share another laugh. We share another round of "I love you" I finish packing. Heading towards my car, I glance at my mother once more. I my heart bursts with empathy, I head towards my friend’s house to say goodbye.
[[Head to yo homie Parker]]<style>
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I park the car outside Parker's house. I approach the blue doorstep and knock on it, he opens.
[[“Yo homie…”]]
[[“Yo I got a dilemma.”]]<style>
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Parker welcomed me with the "Shit man, this is it? " question. It came packed with the look of let down all over his face.
[["This is it. " I say, shivering on the inside]]<style>
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“Susie?”- he says
[[“Bro what do I tell her before I leave?”]]
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“I have a lot of explaining to do. Does she realize that this job will get me further in the music business? I get to work in a recording studio now, a good one! In the heart of new york, I get to be in new york!” These were the thoughts that were racing through my brain. I didn't know that this would hurt everyone. Mom, the person that's been my best friend since 5, and the person I shared my love with since Junior year.
He pulls out the clichéd line first, "She realizes how much this means to you, right? "
[[“I don't know if she understands”]]<style>
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"What about Susie? "Parker asks. "Fuck" I say on the inside
[[“Bro what do I tell her before I leave?”]] <style>
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“You are falling into oblivion, are you?” Parker raises his voice out of concern. Maybe I am falling into her oblivion
[["I love her too much..."]]<style>
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I love her, I really do. But this felt like give and take, this relation to her. I felt like I had to give in to her demands and that she never listened to what I needed in our relationship. Maybe this new job is an escape from all of that…
[[Go on...]]<style>
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Parker goes on, "If she doesn't realize what this does for you, then maybe it isn't worth loving her anymore. She can't just keep you to herself anymore. You need to progress and grow. You need to leave her. "Fuck, he's right.
[["How do I break it to her?" I asked]]
[[“I love her too much to hurt her like that”]] <style>
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"It's for the better. "- Parker
I contemplate this for a while
[[My reality begins to check]]<style>
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"What if she doesn't understand that?" I ask
“Fuck her” is his response
[[My eyes have widened more]]<style>
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"If she does?" - me
"Then it's her lesson, she'll make it work. She might even risk her life in the same way you did for her. " - Parker
[[Reality struck for me, she won't.]]<style>
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Maybe things aren't meant to be between me and her, and I realize that it's all fine. My heart shouldn't lie within my loss over Susie. It should lie within my excitement over this new beginning. My heart breaks a little over one thing:
[["Parker, im going to miss you man"]] I say with tears through my eyes
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"It's all good" he responds. "I've known you all my life man. I've seen you grow and struggle, our moms know this." The embrace we share is warm.
[[It's time to let go]]<style>
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I ask an important question, "Will you visit? "
His response makes our friendship solid for life, "Unlike Susie, I'll make it work. " I laugh, I say thank you and I head to my car.
[[Time to break her heart]]<style>
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As I drive, I think about the two most important people in my life. Mom and Parker have been there for me. They sacrificed parts of their lives to make me who i am today. Parker being my hype man and my therapist since I was a kid. My mother, supplying me all the love an devotion she can give and understanding my motives for going away. I'll miss her meals and the comfort of home. I'll miss Parker's way of opening my eyes.
[[It's time]]
I finish the drive and get off my car. I ring the doorbell. I'm nervous, but it is what it is. There’s Susie...
[[Intro]] <style>
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I feel our friendship starting to tense. Am I really risking my friendship for her? His tone becomes more sly, "If you really loved her then why are you leaving her? " Good question.
[[What if we worked it out?]]<style>
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"I thought that we could work something out... "I answer. He made me look stupid
"But you know she's not like that! " - he replied
It's war now.
[[I'm losing Parker now]]<style>
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"If you really worked it out, we wouldn't have this conversation now! Besides, you know her and how she controls you... " - Parker
"She doesn't control me... " - me
"WHAT THE FUCK?! YOU NEVER HAVE THE FINAL SAY IN THE RELATIONSHIP. YOU HAVE A JOB IN NEW YORK NOW, IN A RECORDING STUDIO. Isn't this what you wanted?! " - Parker
[[Well, shit]]<style>
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"Yes, but I also want to be with her" - me
[[Go right on...]]<style>
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"More than me and your mom? " - Parker
I'm pissed now.
"We've both been there for you, more than Susie has. Your mother fucking fed you with love, devotion, food, and shelter. I've been your hype man, your therapist, ALL THE THINGS YOU NEEDED IN LIFE. SINCE YOU WERE FUCKING FIVE. YOU CHOOSE TO IGNORE THAT OVER THAT BITCH?! " - Parker
[[Fuck him.]] <style>
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"Well, maybe it's for the better. " - me
I really don't need him anymore. Maybe I love Susie more than I want my childhood friend at this point. Sure, our relationship has occasionally been give and take, but it's worth it. I can find new friends in the city, but I can't replace love.
[[Friendship Ends Here Now]]<style>
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"Fine. Good luck in New York, and with her... "
We share a silence. Our friendship ends here.
"Just know that if things go wrong in your life that you have lost one person to go to about it"
I go inside my car and I drive to Susie's place
[[At least you love her]]<style>
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I drive to her place knowing that I blew off a person I've known my whole life. At least I have my mom, and her. I'm leaving her, and I realize that I didn't give her closure. I needed to make things right. I should probably bring her with me. We could live together. We could leave Chicago together! Enjoy the drive away together. Experience New York together. I needed to go away, but I knew that I love her more than anything. Susie needed to be with me.
[[It's time]]"Well fuck, if she puts herself over you, then why even care? " He asks, he knows I'm too considerate
[[“I love her too much to hurt her like that”]]
[[Contemplate this for a bit]]